There are two items of apparel which I thank god for every day.
The first is the corset. Oh, wonder of wonders – never since has there been a more glorious invention in all the land! Beautiful to look at, (almost) always flattering and absolute punishment to wear. What more could one ask for?
But even more intriguing than the garments themselves are the girls who fill them.
Corsetgirls.
You’ll see them gliding around the dance floors of your local gothic hangout, ethereal and silent. And almost always pissed off. Sipping on cheap box wine and looking eternally displeased with the general state of the universe. Disappearing for ages, only to reappear looking flushed and full of malice. There’s just something so… fascinating about them.
A friend of mine (a confirmed corsetgirl herself) explained the mysterious lure as such:
A) When wearing a corset, it is very difficult to breathe, making conversation not only difficult, but potentially life threatening. Silent glaring is always best. When in doubt, glare silently.
B) When wearing a corset, one can only bend at the waist, making slow ethereal gliding the only practical method of locomotion.
C) When wearing a corset, one spends one’s entire night in a state of deep discomfort (only achieved, she explained, if one is ‘wearing it right’).
D) When wearing a corset correctly, one may indeed be in danger of slipping a disc or at the very least compressing the T11 or T12 vertebrae. Any sudden grabbing of the tiny tempered waist (commonly experienced at the hands of drunken gothic men) could lead to spinal injury. It is therefore prudent to emanate a clear message of “Fuck off and Die” with one’s general demeanor, to avoid such dangerous incidents.
E) When a corset wearing individual disappears temporarily, it’s probably time for them to breathe oxygen for a bit. Never fear, they’ll be back stronger than ever in a few minutes. Whatever you do, do NOT follow them.
Now, this is all very well. But woe betides the poor sorry sod that actually falls for the Corsetgirl’s lure. This is where my second item of apparel which I thank god for every day comes in.
It is my pair of mohair socks.
These must be worn when one is moping at home in front of the television, eating ice cream and crying softly after Corsetgirl has broken one’s spirit. They are very comforting in such situations, I’ve found. They are thick and woolly, and good for mopping up the blood of a broken soul (if we were to be terribly emo about it).
Malice Clothing does not yet make corsets, but I’ve heard they’re making the most amazing killer military boots ever. Boots for kicking ass. Or kicking corset girls. Mohair socks sold separately.
Tags: alteranative, apparel, clothing, corset, emo, fashion, gothic, malice, Malice Clothing, military boots, mohair socks
